When we first told his parents about our plan to conceive, K’s mom’s immediate reaction was anger, which was mostly turned in my direction. She said, pointing at me, “You’re controlling and when you’re a parent, you can’t control anything.” Looking back, I’m certain this was a reflection of her anxieties about herself and the fact that she couldn’t control her first-born kid’s gender and reproductive choices, which confused and upset her.
I knew what she meant, though. She and I have a lot in common, though you will rarely hear me admit this. We’re Type A and
demand appreciate a lot of structure. When things don’t go according to plan, it upsets us. These traits are definite challenges when it comes to parenting and I knew when we started this journey that finding a way to let go of control was going to be a large area for growth in my life.
As we only just begin our pregnancy journey, control is already rearing its ugly head. From the moment we received the first positive pregnancy test result, my mind began reeling with the endless list of to-dos in order to prepare for wee Falco. First and foremost, I needed to clean out our extra bedroom, which is mostly being used as storage and a craft area. I need to find a way to move some furniture and my pregnant husband is no longer in a position to help me move it. Then comes the decision on paint colors and nursery decor. Because two regular sized cribs will feel crammed in the nursery, the main choice of cribs will need to wait another week until we’re able to determine whether Falco is one or two embryos (did I mention that the reproductive endocrinologist saw TWO mature follicles at the time of ovulation during our successful IUI cycle?). The nursery prep list alone could take up several blog posts, and I’m sure it will.
Then there’s the growing list of appointments, tests, ultrasounds, decisions. Do we want to do any sort of prenatal testing, or will that just drive me crazier than I already feel? Our first ultrasound will happen next week and that’s when we’ll determine how many sacs are in K’s uterus. We may see the heart(s) beating at that time, or it might happen a few weeks later at a subsequent ultrasound.
I can’t seem to focus at work. All I can think about is this list of preparations and the number of weeks we have left seems to be ticking away so rapidly. I feel like there is only so much time left for me to research and prepare to be the mother-of-the-year. Logically, I know that I’ll be fine, have good instincts, and that our love and capacity will carry us through, but my anxiety is really getting the best of me. The only thing I can really do is take a deep breath, take this one step at a time, and relinquish control, which is significantly easier said than done.