Control

When we first told his parents about our plan to conceive, K’s mom’s immediate reaction was anger, which was mostly turned in my direction. She said, pointing at me, “You’re controlling and when you’re a parent, you can’t control anything.” Looking back, I’m certain this was a reflection of her anxieties about herself and the fact that she couldn’t control her first-born kid’s gender and reproductive choices, which confused and upset her.

I knew what she meant, though. She and I have a lot in common, though you will rarely hear me admit this. We’re Type A and demand appreciate a lot of structure. When things don’t go according to plan, it upsets us. These traits are definite challenges when it comes to parenting and I knew when we started this journey that finding a way to let go of control was going to be a large area for growth in my life.

As we only just begin our pregnancy journey, control is already rearing its ugly head. From the moment we received the first positive pregnancy test result, my mind began reeling with the endless list of to-dos in order to prepare for wee Falco. First and foremost, I needed to clean out our extra bedroom, which is mostly being used as storage and a craft area. I need to find a way to move some furniture and my pregnant husband is no longer in a position to help me move it. Then comes the decision on paint colors and nursery decor. Because two regular sized cribs will feel crammed in the nursery, the main choice of cribs will need to wait another week until we’re able to determine whether Falco is one or two embryos (did I mention that the reproductive endocrinologist saw TWO mature follicles at the time of ovulation during our successful IUI cycle?). The nursery prep list alone could take up several blog posts, and I’m sure it will.

Then there’s the growing list of appointments, tests, ultrasounds, decisions. Do we want to do any sort of prenatal testing, or will that just drive me crazier than I already feel? Our first ultrasound will happen next week and that’s when we’ll determine how many sacs are in K’s uterus. We may see the heart(s) beating at that time, or it might happen a few weeks later at a subsequent ultrasound.

I can’t seem to focus at work. All I can think about is this list of preparations and the number of weeks we have left seems to be ticking away so rapidly. I feel like there is only so much time left for me to research and prepare to be the mother-of-the-year. Logically, I know that I’ll be fine, have good instincts, and that our love and capacity will carry us through, but my anxiety is really getting the best of me. The only thing I can really do is take a deep breath, take this one step at a time, and relinquish control, which is significantly easier said than done.

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4 thoughts on “Control

  1. Reliquishing control is definitely easier said than done, but I hear that babies are great mentors in that. Might as well make use of the control that you do have, while you have it!

    (Also, you’re brave to tell family about your baby making plans– Partner and I are wondering if we even have to tell ours when we have a baby. Which is an exaggeration, but only a slight one.)

    • Thanks for saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t feel brave – we’ve definitely gone through hell with K’s family when we first disclosed our plan (I’m sure there’s a post or TWO in that one) – but we want these folks to be on board, if they feel they’re able to be. Things are turning a corner with that and we’re actually surprised by how this process has brought our families closer together. I want nothing less for you and your partner! Sending you good thoughts.

  2. I’m sorry that she said something like that! Your personality as a parent, as a parent-to-be, and as a partner who is parenting is likely to be very different than your personality as a single person or a married child-free person. Not to say that you would be more carefree or more organized, just to say that you probably won’t be the same. You an K will see that far sooner than family will. My mother made several remarks of that nature before RR was born and I think “control freak” was actually an expression she used. Although I don’t and didn’t see myself in that remark, I know that as a parent I definitely have my wild AND controlling moments. However, they don’t affect my ability to be awesome and I’m sure the same will be true for you.

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