Another queer TTC blog I follow recently featured posts by the non-gestational parent-to-be. I typically love reading insights of this sort, as I can often relate. Sometimes, it’s lonely and scary being a mom-to-be who isn’t carrying her child(ren), and it’s nice to not feel quite so alone when I’m reading posts from others in my shoes.
Unfortunately, this particular partner kept using phrases about her role of non-gestational parent as being “worthless” and “pointless.” As the posts unfolded, and I desperately kept telling myself that this was her individual impression of her role in the TTC process, I felt more and more triggered and offended. Of course I’m not the one feeling twinges and cramps from my uterus stretching out. I’m not the one with morning sickness, excessive salivation, food aversions and moodiness. I’m not the one the one who will experience the exhaustion from carrying around a three-trimester old baby or excruciating labor pain.
But I am every bit as important because this child will be born in my heart.
I, like my mom, will treasure, nurture and teach my child. I will kiss and clean boo-boos, encourage and discipline my child. I will sing and read with my child, feed him or her nutritious, yummy food that they will likely one day cook for their loved ones. I will provide my child with opportunities to learn about and celebrate differences, and will instill him or her values and ethics like the importance of giving of one’s self. Without me, my future kid would truly miss out.
Maybe as an adoptee, it’s just easier for me to view parenthood as so much freaking more than sperm meets egg meets fluffy uterus. That’s a damn good thing, because I downright refuse to let anyone – jaded queer hopeful parent or bigot who refuses me equal rights – refer to me as “pointless.”