One year in

While I was taking a few moments for myself today and eating lunch, I realized that it’s been about a year since I’ve been off testosterone.  I had my last injection in December 2011.  In some ways, a year seems like a long time.  If I were to think back to the time right before I started T in 2005 and early 2006, I don’t think there could have been anything that would have made me postpone taking it.  I was so driven and focused on a physical transition, that it was the only way I could live my life.  Of course, it was a huge decision, and in some ways I think I had to be all in or else I wouldn’t have moved forward.

Sometimes it’s a little hard to reconcile what I’m doing now with that person who I was…or thought I was.

Originally, when I decided to stop T and get pregnant, my decision was driven by a feeling of sacrifice.  We wanted a baby and this was what I was willing to do to help make our family.  I expected the process of being off T and being pregnant to be a terrible, horrible, feminizing process.  I really worried that my own gender identity would be challenged, even though that sounds silly.

Yes, the last year has been emotionally challenging, but I think trying to conceive and being pregnant is intense for any queer couple.

The first few months off of T were probably the most difficult.  It was a hard to watch some of my physical features change (fat redistributing, my face becoming more feminine, etc.), but after a few months, I think most of the changes stabilized.  And, now that I’m pregnant, I just feel like myself… but pregnant.

Now, most of my fears are about how others perceive me, or how others will perceive me. I wish I didn’t care/worry about things like that, but I can’t help it.  I wonder if people will view me as “less male” going through this process.

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4 thoughts on “One year in

  1. Do you think that people who don’t personally know you will think you’re just carrying around a beer belly?! I see quiet a few of those…but ya know I live in alabama so that’s to be expected lol! I’m not sure that I would think anything of it if I were to see a man with a bigger than normal belly… I’m glad you still feel like yourself!

  2. I have heard a few guys, and some very masculine women, say that they were not read as pregnant the entire time, so that’s a possibility. But I think your worries makes sense. You’ve had to come out to more people in a potentially dramatic way (e.g. work). Of course you’re feeling more watched and wondering what people will think. But you also sound really solid.

    It’s nice to hear about your process of reconciling who you were with who you are. A and I have both had several intense rounds of this (not just about gender stuff), and as a rule we come out the other side having added on new great pieces to who we are, both individually and together. There’s nothing like mixing things up to help you understand yourself better. (and I’m glad you found some pants).

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