While I was taking a few moments for myself today and eating lunch, I realized that it’s been about a year since I’ve been off testosterone. I had my last injection in December 2011. In some ways, a year seems like a long time. If I were to think back to the time right before I started T in 2005 and early 2006, I don’t think there could have been anything that would have made me postpone taking it. I was so driven and focused on a physical transition, that it was the only way I could live my life. Of course, it was a huge decision, and in some ways I think I had to be all in or else I wouldn’t have moved forward.
Sometimes it’s a little hard to reconcile what I’m doing now with that person who I was…or thought I was.
Originally, when I decided to stop T and get pregnant, my decision was driven by a feeling of sacrifice. We wanted a baby and this was what I was willing to do to help make our family. I expected the process of being off T and being pregnant to be a terrible, horrible, feminizing process. I really worried that my own gender identity would be challenged, even though that sounds silly.
Yes, the last year has been emotionally challenging, but I think trying to conceive and being pregnant is intense for any queer couple.
The first few months off of T were probably the most difficult. It was a hard to watch some of my physical features change (fat redistributing, my face becoming more feminine, etc.), but after a few months, I think most of the changes stabilized. And, now that I’m pregnant, I just feel like myself… but pregnant.
Now, most of my fears are about how others perceive me, or how others will perceive me. I wish I didn’t care/worry about things like that, but I can’t help it. I wonder if people will view me as “less male” going through this process.