Adoptee Drama

I am an adoptee. At the ripe age of 16, my birth mother was whisked from her family in a veil of secrecy to the other side of Texas to “live with an aunt” for a year. She lived in a home for unwed mothers, where she was able to continue her education and hide her pregnant belly as it grew before releasing me to my family.

I’ve always known I was an adoptee and my family celebrated it as something that made me special. My parents always said that they chose me and we celebrated my adoption day each year. I didn’t think a lot about it as a child, but being an adoptee has shaped a lot of who I am today as an adult. While I never longed for a relationship with my birth mother, I always wanted to one day to connect with her to see if there was someone in the world who was like me. I also wanted to thank her for what must have been a very traumatic experience, because her sacrifice gave me the life that I have today.

Texas has strict privacy laws – some of the most stringent in the nation – as it relates to adoption. In order for adoptees and birth families to connect, they both must separately apply to a registry. If there’s a match, both parties are contacted. When I was a young adult, I added my name to the registry and discovered that my birth mother wasn’t looking for me because she was not on the registry.

A few years later, while surfing the internet when I should have been working, I stumbled upon a website for adoptees and birth families who were looking for one another. I did a quick search to see if any of the few random details I know about my origins were listed anywhere on the site. They were not, so I drafted a quick post about my details before promptly forgetting that I had done so.

A few years later, I received an email from someone who said that they might be my birth mother. While guarding myself against potential disappointment, something inside me said that the email was, indeed, from my birth mother. I instructed the person about how to go about joining the registry and, while we awaited word from the adoption agency, we continued to correspond back and forth.

The adoption agency confirmed that I had been talking with my birth mother, Ruth, and we continued the process of getting to know one another. I flew to the Houston area to meet her and her family twice. I learned the name of my birth father, whose family owns a line of Western boots, and received confirmation of the sordid tale I had always assumed was the truth – that he didn’t believe Ruth was pregnant with his child and other subsequent douchebaggery.

Ruth told me about the pain and shame surrounding the adoption and I did my best to comfort her. In the end, the trauma seemed to have won out, as she stopped communicating with me, despite my many efforts. Still, I occasionally added her to mailing lists associated with major milestones – our wedding announcement, Christmas card with our wedding photo, E’s birth announcement and Christmas card with his photo on it.

As we were planning our wedding, we received a save the date card from my half-sister, and she was planning to wed the same day as K and I. We never received a formal invitation to the wedding, not that we could have attended, but I assumed that Ruth decided that it was too much for her and convinced her daughter not to invite me.

After years of radio silence, I sorted through Tuesday’s mail to find a letter from a random Texas address I had not previously seen and immediately knew that it was from Ruth. In the letter, she apologized for letting so much time slip by without getting in touch, inquired several times about E, and updated me on some of her family’s news. She moved from the address I had when I sent E’s birth announcement, so it’s clear that she never received that, but I’m unsure how she was still able to receive the Christmas card I sent with E’s photo on it. Her daughter’s fiance suddenly broke off their engagements a few months before their wedding, leaving her heartbroken and in a lurch, which explains the lack of a formal invitation to her wedding. My half-sister has since met a nice man and is pregnant with her first child, a little boy due in mid-March. My half brothers are currently living apart from Ruth in the town where my birth mother last lived – one is working and the other is in his final year of high school.

I’m not quite sure how to feel. I’m honestly not allowing myself to feel much of anything. I don’t want to extend my emotions or get my hopes up that this communication is a sign of her desire to reconnect in any meaningful way. I plan on writing her back and providing information about E (“I hope there is a very happy story I need to hear,” she says), as well as some photos, which she requested. Beyond that, I think I need to consider each communication as a singular interaction and not think about them in succession or as perhaps something that could become a trend.

K thinks that she was driven to write the letter to find out more about E. It’s clear that it was of interest to her, given her several references to him in the letter. K also theorizes that she likely wonders about whether or not they share a biological connection, which I hadn’t even considered. I’m not really letting myself go to the place of analysis, especially as it relates to E, because I’ve long since stopped wondering why Ruth does what she does. She has a right to her emotions and has a responsibility to steward her past trauma in a way that makes sense for her. I’ve always hoped that she’d be able to get to a place of peace, mostly because she’s a nice person who deserves to feel released of that shame and guilt, but I know that there isn’t anything I can do to control whether or not that happens for her. Besides, my energy needs to stay focused on my own family.

Whew. What a can of worms.

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12 thoughts on “Adoptee Drama

    • It’s not a bad plan. I definitely have said this to her before on many occasions. While I’m not certain I’m currently at a place where I can express that level of vulnerability, I would consider repeating this sentiment in the future if it felt right.

  1. Wow. This is a lot to ponder on. I am most happy to hear this calmness in your post….like, happiness about your life,peaceful about her decision those years ago. I admire that in you, and the kindness you show to Ruth, it says a lot about you as a person. I don’t know….its just very touching,and heart wrenching at the very same time. I hope she find’s her peace, and I hope it includes you!

  2. You have such compassion in your heart for Ruth. As a fellow adoptee, this resonated with me a lot. I’ve never tried to find my birth relatives, but I have thought about it many times. Like you, mainly to let them know I’m OK and grateful and to satisfy this weird unknowing if there is another person out there whom you something with. I’m not even sure what. You show such empathy for your birth mom and her process. It’s really beautiful.

  3. You, my friend, are incredibly well composed and thoughtful about all of this. Thank you for sharing this. It’s been a while since you posted – have you written back to Ruth? Do you keep in touch with any of your siblings on Facebook or otherwise? (Besides mail).

    You have such authentic empathy and kindness toward Ruth – I’m impressed by your maturity and thoughtfulness about it all.

    • Thank you for saying this. It really made my day.

      I did respond via email to Ruth. The response doesn’t feel very emotional, after re-reading it, and it was difficult for me to cram information and photos about E’s entire lifetime into a letter.

      I’ve tried to friend my half sister on Facebook but she never accepted my request. I mentioned in my letter to Ruth that I’d love to connect with her on Facebook if she’s so inclined. We’ll see what happens.

    • I wanted to follow up about this. In a sleeping med induced haze last night, I searched, located and friend requested my birth family members on Facebook last night. I woke up in a panic, thinking I had dreamt it.

      I think I had previously friend requested someone with the same name as my half sister but not her. She accepted my friend request this morning. I’m cautiously optimistic but scared to get my hopes up. :-/

      • My spouse is an adoptee, and his reunion with his birth family did not go well. I would advise anyone to take things very slowly and to probably involve a therapist before trying to begin a close relationship (if that’s the plan). Very best wishes to you.

      • That’s definitely neither the plan or even a remote possibility. Given that I met my birth family about 12 years ago and there has been no progress, I highly doubt anything would change and I’m being very realistic about the situation.

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